Expectations are funny things, dangerously tricky, and often, can be quite misleading.
I can only say that because I've been full of them. Mostly for myself. But also, of hypothetical ones that I have expected others have of me.
When you hold yourself in such demand, expecting to always be everything to everyone, it sets oneself up for great stress. And, boy, have I felt it. I'm not sure where that monster called Great Expectation first reared its ugly head. But somehow, I've convinced myself that if I slip up, even a little, that I have failed miserably. And therein lies the rub.
However, today, I have to say, I think it clicked.
But let me back up just a bit.
I got my wisdom teeth removed 10 days ago. After all the horror stories I'd heard, I thought I was prepared, and at peace. And even after a couple days of sleeping all day, I thought, No biggie. I'll just wait it out.
Yeah, I know. You might be thinking, What do wisdom teeth have to do with any of this? Just hold tight. It'll make sense in a few.
Then, on day 4 and 5, when I thought I should really be feeling better, that's when the proverbial "defecation hit the oscillation," if you know what I mean. My jaw started locking up on its own and I soon barely had any width with which to open my mouth. By days 8 and 9, the effects of the pain medication began to take a toll on my body, which meant, certain processing organs weren't in working order, leading to the most excruciating and fearful state that I have ever experienced.
Needless to say, I felt very humbled.
Today I was able to go to church and interact with my friends again. But this time, I was at peace. It's funny how, when you're brought to such a vulnerable state, you suddenly have nothing to prove. I mean, who in their right mind would expect a girl who can barely open her mouth past 1/2 an inch, to be the life of the party? And, yes... I have had those expectations of myself. Today, I was just me. And I felt loved. Unconditionally. Every person that I saw did and said the same thing. Huge hugs, then, How's your mouth? and We missed you.
Just me. Only me.
And let me just say, I expect that's the best feeling anyone could have.