Monday, November 12, 2012

Great Expectations.

Expectations are funny things, dangerously tricky, and often, can be quite misleading.

I can only say that because I've been full of them. Mostly for myself. But also, of hypothetical ones that I have expected others have of me.

When you hold yourself in such demand, expecting to always be everything to everyone, it sets oneself up for great stress. And, boy, have I felt it. I'm not sure where that monster called Great Expectation first reared its ugly head. But somehow, I've convinced myself that if I slip up, even a little, that I have failed miserably. And therein lies the rub.

However, today, I have to say, I think it clicked.

But let me back up just a bit.

I got my wisdom teeth removed 10 days ago. After all the horror stories I'd heard, I thought I was prepared, and at peace. And even after a couple days of sleeping all day, I thought, No biggie. I'll just wait it out.

Yeah, I know. You might be thinking, What do wisdom teeth have to do with any of this? Just hold tight. It'll make sense in a few.

Then, on day 4 and 5, when I thought I should really be feeling better, that's when the proverbial "defecation hit the oscillation," if you know what I mean. My jaw started locking up on its own and I soon barely had any width with which to open my mouth. By days 8 and 9, the effects of the pain medication began to take a toll on my body, which meant, certain processing organs weren't in working order, leading to the most excruciating and fearful state that I have ever experienced.

Needless to say, I felt very humbled.

Today I was able to go to church and interact with my friends again. But this time, I was at peace. It's funny how, when you're brought to such a vulnerable state, you suddenly have nothing to prove. I mean, who in their right mind would expect a girl who can barely open her mouth past 1/2 an inch, to be the life of the party? And, yes... I have had those expectations of myself. Today, I was just me. And I felt loved. Unconditionally. Every person that I saw did and said the same thing. Huge hugs, then, How's your mouth? and We missed you.

And it clicked. I'm the only one who has expectations of myself. I'm clearly loved in any condition. I don't have to put on a show. I don't have to be Miss Bubbly.

Just me. Only me.

And let me just say, I expect that's the best feeling anyone could have.

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